Why I'm blogging all this
I know my blog has been very sad these last few weeks. I don't mean to upset anyone or be a drag. But if I didn't write all this down, I think I would go insane. I've never been terribly good at just saying how I honestly feel - a consequence of being raised by someone who didn't care about how I felt. I never kept a journal as a kid because I was too vulnerable - afraid that it would be found, read and my real feelings exposed.
I've blogged for about 5 years now, but I have generally kept the tone light and airy - entertaining. I still carry the FUD (fear, uncertainty and doubt) that if I reveal my true inner self, no one will like me.
But I don't have those same reservations about this situation. Obviously, I love my mother and losing her is difficult - the most difficult thing I've ever been through. These thoughts go round and round in my head. If I didn't write them down, I don't know how I would get through it. I am able to maintain a very reasonable semblance of calm because I have this outlet. This is the one time that I know I can't keep anything bottled up. But I really don't have a way to release except through my blog.
I also want to capture this as it happens - to record it for later. Maybe it will be too depressing. But maybe it will bring me comfort to come back to these posts in six months or a year and know that even the pain of losing her is worth honoring. One of the most difficult things I face is the knowledge that anyone I meet from here on out won't comprehend how much my mother means to me. They won't get the chance to love her as she should be loved. Anyone who matters to me in the future will be able to relive my mother's final moments through my blog. An unbefitting tribute, but it's the best I can do.
As you read my morose ramblings, please do not feel that you have to comment. I make these postings more for myself than for you. I know that it's awkward to reply to the things that I write. I know that you care for me and would change my situation if you could (as I would do/feel if the case were reversed). Read my blog. Pray for my family. Draw close to Jehovah.
I've blogged for about 5 years now, but I have generally kept the tone light and airy - entertaining. I still carry the FUD (fear, uncertainty and doubt) that if I reveal my true inner self, no one will like me.
But I don't have those same reservations about this situation. Obviously, I love my mother and losing her is difficult - the most difficult thing I've ever been through. These thoughts go round and round in my head. If I didn't write them down, I don't know how I would get through it. I am able to maintain a very reasonable semblance of calm because I have this outlet. This is the one time that I know I can't keep anything bottled up. But I really don't have a way to release except through my blog.
I also want to capture this as it happens - to record it for later. Maybe it will be too depressing. But maybe it will bring me comfort to come back to these posts in six months or a year and know that even the pain of losing her is worth honoring. One of the most difficult things I face is the knowledge that anyone I meet from here on out won't comprehend how much my mother means to me. They won't get the chance to love her as she should be loved. Anyone who matters to me in the future will be able to relive my mother's final moments through my blog. An unbefitting tribute, but it's the best I can do.
As you read my morose ramblings, please do not feel that you have to comment. I make these postings more for myself than for you. I know that it's awkward to reply to the things that I write. I know that you care for me and would change my situation if you could (as I would do/feel if the case were reversed). Read my blog. Pray for my family. Draw close to Jehovah.
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