Daily changes
I just posted that I didn't see Mama on Sunday. I went by to see her yesterday evening after work and I was shocked by how bad she looked. She had had a "big day." One of the hospice nurses spent quite a lot of time with her poking and prodding, trying to assess her current situation. As a result, we have cut most of her medications in half and taken her off of some completely. She is having a really hard time keeping her pills down so there's just no need to put her through that - they really aren't going to prolong her life at this point.
Again, it took three of us to get her to bed. This time, she couldn't even walk. We had to get the rolling stool from the kitchen to push her into her bedroom. The nurse put in an order for a hospital bed and a wheelchair. They should be delivered today. Mama's going to be very upset (if she's thinking straight) when they show up. Even last night when we put her in bed, she said, "I don't know what's wrong, this is the worst it's ever been." As I've stated before, she just doesn't get it. That hospital bed will be a blazing sign that she is not going to get better.
We've finally started talking about how much longer we think it will be. Until yesterday, I thought we had at least 3 weeks left. Now I'm not sure that she will make it past the weekend. There are signs that her kidneys are shutting down. As we just learned on Sunday, the kidneys keep your body from being poisoned. So when they no longer work, you die from the toxins in your own blood. If she lasts longer than the weekend, it may only be due to the hospital bed. I don't think she's going to get out of it too often. That may conserve her energy and allow her to live a few days longer than she otherwise would have.
For the first time, Daddy looked really bad last night. As he guided Mama to bed, he told her, "You've been my sweetheart for 46 years now. I love you." It is very difficult for me to hear such simple, loving statements from a man who has been so harsh during my lifetime. I guess there had to be good times between them even though most of my memories are full of arguments and domination.
I always wait until Mama is asleep before I leave. In the past, that has often been around 9:00 or 9:30. Last night, I got her to sleep around 8:00. That's just too early for Daddy to go to bed. He was still in the den eating his dinner. As I told him goodnight, he looked sad and lonely sitting in the big den by himself. I know he wanted me to stay. I just couldn't. It's difficult enough for me to get through my mother's death without also addressing the years of emotional neglect and damage I suffered in my relationship with my father. I don't have it in me to reach out to him during the most painful period of both of our lives.
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Again, it took three of us to get her to bed. This time, she couldn't even walk. We had to get the rolling stool from the kitchen to push her into her bedroom. The nurse put in an order for a hospital bed and a wheelchair. They should be delivered today. Mama's going to be very upset (if she's thinking straight) when they show up. Even last night when we put her in bed, she said, "I don't know what's wrong, this is the worst it's ever been." As I've stated before, she just doesn't get it. That hospital bed will be a blazing sign that she is not going to get better.
We've finally started talking about how much longer we think it will be. Until yesterday, I thought we had at least 3 weeks left. Now I'm not sure that she will make it past the weekend. There are signs that her kidneys are shutting down. As we just learned on Sunday, the kidneys keep your body from being poisoned. So when they no longer work, you die from the toxins in your own blood. If she lasts longer than the weekend, it may only be due to the hospital bed. I don't think she's going to get out of it too often. That may conserve her energy and allow her to live a few days longer than she otherwise would have.
For the first time, Daddy looked really bad last night. As he guided Mama to bed, he told her, "You've been my sweetheart for 46 years now. I love you." It is very difficult for me to hear such simple, loving statements from a man who has been so harsh during my lifetime. I guess there had to be good times between them even though most of my memories are full of arguments and domination.
I always wait until Mama is asleep before I leave. In the past, that has often been around 9:00 or 9:30. Last night, I got her to sleep around 8:00. That's just too early for Daddy to go to bed. He was still in the den eating his dinner. As I told him goodnight, he looked sad and lonely sitting in the big den by himself. I know he wanted me to stay. I just couldn't. It's difficult enough for me to get through my mother's death without also addressing the years of emotional neglect and damage I suffered in my relationship with my father. I don't have it in me to reach out to him during the most painful period of both of our lives.
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2 Comments:
It hurts me so bad, I can't imagine what you guys are going through... I just can't. I send big hugs through this comment, even though that statement probably doesn't mean much to you.
I don't know whether this will make you feel loved and supported - or what - but I can't stop from crying when I read your blogs about your mom. Words seem trite and pointless.... but my heart and my prayers are with you and your family always.
I haven't commented on the things you write on this subject before. Because (like Affie) I just can't imagine and when I try to put myself in your shoes ... to try to understand how much this must hurt... I just can't.
There truly are no words.
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