The Roller Coaster of the Redundant Life
I've never really learned to apply Psalms 55:22. It is SO against my nature.
I am going to try to rely on my heavenly father. But how do I know what is right? Here's where the roller coaster comes in:
On Tuesday, I was sent a vague message that a company half-way closer to me than the old office may be in the market for someone with my skills. A former business contact is going to forward my contact information to them. I don't know who they are or if they are actively looking for someone. I mentioned to the business contact that if they don't really have an opening right now, I'd be willing to work part-time. Who knows what that will bring?
This morning, I got a message from a guy who worked with me a couple of years ago (although I barely knew him at the time). He's now the VP of Finance at another homebuilder. His company is going through the implementation process for some software that I have about 10 years worth of experience administering. Seriously, there are maybe two people in town who have as much experience with this program as I do (one of whom is the guy who just fired me). And nationwide, I'm definitely in the top 20 for knowledge of this system (if you exclude the people who actually work at the software company). As for the people who work at this software company, the top two people and the head of sales all know me very well. Even though I have disagreed with the head guy on issues of usability, he definitely knows that I was just trying to make his software better. I feel certain that he and his second in command (definitely more sure of her) would recommend me to any company using their software. So anyway, it looks like there is an opportunity doing almost the same thing I did before.
So what's the problem? Will that second opportunity (that looks like it was custom ordered for me) allow me to pursue the other things that I want to do? Would I be getting myself back into a M-F, 8-5 grind that keeps me away from the work that I really want to do? Or is this a good way to support myself and refocus my life? Sell the house, have a less stressful though still FT job, use the remaining time I have more wisely than I did before.
I know I'm counting my chickens before they hatch - I haven't had an interview or even sent off my resume yet. But these are the things that run through my mind when I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not losing sleep, but when I wake up in the night, I am reminded that I don't have any real reason for getting up in the morning. Then all these thoughts rush at me. I am able to push them aside and get back to dreamland. But they pop up again during the day.
In addition to making sure that I get out in service during this time, I have also not let myself sleep in. I have been getting up before or at 8 every morning. Technically, that is sleeping in compared to what I used to do. I am putting on make-up every day, something I had not done for work for quite a while. But the big thing is that I'm not letting myself turn on the TV during the day. Granted, this here internet can be a distraction, but not as much as TV. I can literally sit in front of TV all day long and do nothing else. I am determined not to do that - no matter how badly I want to.
My head knows that all of this is the right thing to do. But I just can't get over my natural unease with uncertainty. I've had people tell me that I look like I'm handling everything fine. And I know that I am, I'm too much of a T (vs F) to be an uncontrollable worrier. It's just strange to have a new set of worries all at once. The decisive part of me wants the things I've already decided about to just happen. I want my house to be sold already since I've made the decision to part with it. I don't want to be patient. I want it gone. (But I don't want to do the work around making it go away.)
I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop. And I don't want any of you to worry about me. These are just thoughts that I wanted to write down to get out of my system.
I am going to try to rely on my heavenly father. But how do I know what is right? Here's where the roller coaster comes in:
On Tuesday, I was sent a vague message that a company half-way closer to me than the old office may be in the market for someone with my skills. A former business contact is going to forward my contact information to them. I don't know who they are or if they are actively looking for someone. I mentioned to the business contact that if they don't really have an opening right now, I'd be willing to work part-time. Who knows what that will bring?
This morning, I got a message from a guy who worked with me a couple of years ago (although I barely knew him at the time). He's now the VP of Finance at another homebuilder. His company is going through the implementation process for some software that I have about 10 years worth of experience administering. Seriously, there are maybe two people in town who have as much experience with this program as I do (one of whom is the guy who just fired me). And nationwide, I'm definitely in the top 20 for knowledge of this system (if you exclude the people who actually work at the software company). As for the people who work at this software company, the top two people and the head of sales all know me very well. Even though I have disagreed with the head guy on issues of usability, he definitely knows that I was just trying to make his software better. I feel certain that he and his second in command (definitely more sure of her) would recommend me to any company using their software. So anyway, it looks like there is an opportunity doing almost the same thing I did before.
So what's the problem? Will that second opportunity (that looks like it was custom ordered for me) allow me to pursue the other things that I want to do? Would I be getting myself back into a M-F, 8-5 grind that keeps me away from the work that I really want to do? Or is this a good way to support myself and refocus my life? Sell the house, have a less stressful though still FT job, use the remaining time I have more wisely than I did before.
I know I'm counting my chickens before they hatch - I haven't had an interview or even sent off my resume yet. But these are the things that run through my mind when I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not losing sleep, but when I wake up in the night, I am reminded that I don't have any real reason for getting up in the morning. Then all these thoughts rush at me. I am able to push them aside and get back to dreamland. But they pop up again during the day.
In addition to making sure that I get out in service during this time, I have also not let myself sleep in. I have been getting up before or at 8 every morning. Technically, that is sleeping in compared to what I used to do. I am putting on make-up every day, something I had not done for work for quite a while. But the big thing is that I'm not letting myself turn on the TV during the day. Granted, this here internet can be a distraction, but not as much as TV. I can literally sit in front of TV all day long and do nothing else. I am determined not to do that - no matter how badly I want to.
My head knows that all of this is the right thing to do. But I just can't get over my natural unease with uncertainty. I've had people tell me that I look like I'm handling everything fine. And I know that I am, I'm too much of a T (vs F) to be an uncontrollable worrier. It's just strange to have a new set of worries all at once. The decisive part of me wants the things I've already decided about to just happen. I want my house to be sold already since I've made the decision to part with it. I don't want to be patient. I want it gone. (But I don't want to do the work around making it go away.)
I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop. And I don't want any of you to worry about me. These are just thoughts that I wanted to write down to get out of my system.
1 Comments:
I'm not worried about you. I am proud of you. Even if inside you feel uncertain, you're Doing all the right things.
Just remember what's truly important to you & keep it before Jah. He'll give you what you need. He has given me the perfect job for me. I know i could be making more money elsewhere but the schedule is perfect for service & my own (abnormally large) need for rest. And I have had Mondays & Fridays off, the 2 busiest days in my field. If that's not Jah keeping his promise (Matt 6:33) i don't know what is. It's blown me away that I of all people am making it on my own. He'll do the same for you. I know it.
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