It's long but read it anyway...

So here's a post I've had swimming around in my head for almost two weeks. I just never seemed to have the time to do it justice. I've given up on the "gotta do it right" attitude and am aiming for "gotta do it at all."

About two weeks ago I took a little more care than usual with my appearance at work. Since moving 45 miles away from the office, I often don't have make the time to "gussy" myself up. I try to do it twice a week. That usually means early in the week since I build up a sleep deficit as the week progresses. So I think this happened on a Tuesday.

Let me describe my levels of makeup. There's full makeup which consists of foundation, eyeshadow, liner, mascara, powder and blush. I only wear this to work when I have a special meeting or really got enough sleep. There's half makeup which consists of concealer to cover up the dry pink spots on my cheeks and some form of eye shadow (sometimes just a dusting of blush), liner and mascara. Then there's got-no-time-for-nuttin' which consists of hairspray in the eyebrows to try to trick people into thinking they arch. (Hairspray in the eyebrows happens every day right after deoderant and facial moisturizer.)

This was a half makeup Tuesday augmented by the addition of lipstick which I often forget even on full makeup days. Only this particular day, one of my two shades of lipstick matched my blouse precisely. So not only was I wearing lipstick, it was perfectly coordinated with my outfit. A rare feat indeed.

Now a little edumacation about the way I dress. I love turtle necks. Mock turtle necks, real turtle necks, short sleeve mock turtle necks, turtle neck sweaters...you name it, I love it. Why, you ask? I have a ... cough ... generous bosom. Not only do I feel like turtle necks hide or minimize the sheer enormity of my breasts, I also don't have to worry about how I sit or move in a turtle neck. Bend over, lean over, lay on the floor under a desk, walk under an open stairway, whatever - I don't have to worry about people getting more than an eyeful.

So ask me what possessed me to buy a v-neck blouse a few weeks ago? Well, even I recognize that sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. When I looked in my closet and literally all I saw was turtle necks, I thought I'd try something new. And this blouse is seriously new because it's the only thing in my closet even close to the color orange. But I've gotten complements on it, so I'll keep wearing it.

OK, so on half makeup, orange v-neck blouse, lipstick Tuesday I went into the office cafe to eat. I saw a couple of people that I haven't sat with in a while so I plopped down with them. They are a guy and a girl from the same department (though not my dept). They hang out together enough that you'd think they were dating...if he liked girls, that is. She just happens to have the same first name as me, though she spells it wrong. So this makes three of us in the same building...it is unprecedented in my life to have so many Merediths in the same place at the same time. And if you can believe it, she (Evil Meredyth) is even more sarcastic than I. The third Meredith (Chatty Meredith) is very sweet. So I fall somewhere in between the two - "Meredith in the Middle."

Well, Evil Meredith noticed the half makeup, lipstick and orange blouse and immediately began to tease me about being all gussied up. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her comment. We continued our conversation about whatever we were talking about. All of a sudden, I felt a piece of ham fall off my sandwich and land on my ginormous chest. This is not an unusual event. If food falls off my spoon or fork, it really has no where else to go. I often have a pile of turtle necks on my closet floor that can't go into the regular dirty clothes hamper because they have a food stain somewhere in the mammary region.

Only this time, I felt the piece of ham against my skin - that's an unusual sensation. I could tell without looking down that it had landed right in my cleavage. Several things went through my mind...like this:

1. Crap! Can they see it? Well, I doubt he's looking at my cleavage. And if Evil Meredyth saw it, she would already be busting on me. So they probably haven't noticed it...yet.

2. I'd better look to see if it's at all visible. [quick glance down and back up]

3. Nope, not visible to them. Or maybe...if my shirt is shifted down even just a little bit, he'll have a nice view of the ham.

4. Should I remove it? If so, how am I gonna fish it out? Can I get it without them realizing what I'm doing? Maybe if I use a napkin...

5. [Holds napkin up and makes flimsy attempt to fish dime sized piece of ham out from between mountainous breasts.] Yeah, that ain't gonna work.

6. Hmm. I guess I have to just leave it there. Thank goodness there was no mayonnaise on the sandwich. I don't think I could leave slimy smelly ham sitting between my womanly assets.

7. I'd better try to pick up the conversation or they're going to know something's wrong. ... Did the neckline on my blouse just slip down? I think it did. I better pull it back up. [Tugs on back of shirt and rejoins conversation.]

I don't think any of that took more than 45 seconds to process but it seemed like an eternity. However, I was quite proud of the way I kept my cool and sat there with them through the whole lunch hour ... with a piece of ham between my boobs. I only tugged on my shirt a couple more times. As soon as we were done with lunch I went to the trash can, faced the wall and fished the offending piece of ham out to throw it away. My lunchmates were none the wiser.

You smaller breasted ladies and flat chested menfolk, be glad that you never have to experience ham in the cleavage. It is not something I hope to sit through again... at least not for a while.