A new week
I got over to Mama's house before 6 on Monday evening. My sister-in-law was there, as it was her scheduled day.
My father's oldest brother and his wife were also there. They brought dinner, a seafood dish with shrimp and crawfish that I never got around to eating. My uncle was just there 8 days earlier. He'd come to visit with my father's friends from college. My aunt had not been to see Mama since she'd been so sick. This aunt is a nurse, though most of her career was spent in academia teaching nursing and serving as an expert witness in trials. I suppose on some level, she's had practical experience, but I think it has been quite a long time.
As I mentioned in my last update, Mama stares off vacantly when she's not being actively engaged by someone in the room. Her vision is really bad, so she can't watch TV. It is really upsetting to see her lying in that bed so helpless and lifeless. While I was sitting at her side, holding her hand, my uncle came in the room. He reached out to touch her, he rubbed her arm a few times. He was only able to do that for a couple of minutes before he was overcome with emotion and had to leave the room. I was moved by how strong his reaction was. But unfortunately, death is no stranger to his family.
My aunt and uncle lost their 18 year old daughter 2 weeks before her high school graduation. It was one of the most tragic losses our family has suffered (only matched by the death of my uncle's 30-something wife who left behind three young boys). After the loss of his daughter, my uncle went into a deep depression that caused him to be a little "off" for a number of years. I believe he finally sought help through the use of anti-depressants and is now much closer to his old self. It's been 21 years.
Anyway, I started to think about other reasons why my uncle may be so emotional. Besides perhaps just having a more emotional core than the other men in my father's family, he has also known my mother basically as long as my father. This uncle went to college with my father, they pledged the same fraternity. They were close in college and I'm sure they were in the same social crowd. So when my parents' began dating, I'm sure this uncle was with them. He was there as they got to know each other. He probably had conversations with my father about his "new" girlfriend and how it was going. He watched their relationship grow. And now he's watching her die.
By the time my aunt and uncle left, I couldn't get Mama to respond to say goodbye. She simply didn't register that we were speaking to her. The best news of the evening was that my aunt acknowledged that we seemed to be doing everything we could to make her as comfortable as possible. She couldn't make a single recommendation of anything we could do differently or better.
Both The Doctor and my sister-in-law have told me a couple of things Mama has said that indicate that she really doesn't know who any of us are anymore. I already suspected that. Sometimes when I call her "Mama," she doesn't respond or realize that I'm talking to her. I have to touch her face and repeat my question to get her attention. Of course, I see her when she is at her most tired - after she's been awake all day and been poked, prodded, or bathed by various nurses. But even when she's not tired, she says things that make no sense. She told my SiL that The Doctor can read. Sometime yesterday, The Doctor asked her if she knew who she was. Mama said, "Yeah, you're my Mama." When any of us tell her that we love her, she is very quick to say, "I love you too." I know that she doesn't know who she's talking to. But it doesn't matter. She's got a big heart and she loves whoever is talking to her.
I decided on Monday evening that I really wanted to get some music CDs over to her house for her to listen to. Since she can't watch TV, I know listening to it isn't interesting. It was just too late when I left to get bring the CDs back on Monday night. I thought I may try to get them over there on Tuesday morning, but that would have made me too late for work. Instead, I called The Doctor and asked her to stop by my place to pick them up. She said that she would send Daddy over to get them some time during the day. When I called later that day to see if they'd gotten the CDs, she said that they hadn't and that she didn't think they would do any good. I was really annoyed but tried not to let her know it. It had become very important to me to get music over to Mama.
I stopped by my house to get the CDs before going to Mama's. The Doctor was still there for a little while. I immediately put in the greatest hits of The Mills Brothers. I don't think my sister had every heard of them. Daddy came in to say that this music was too old since it was from the 40s. While that is true, I know for a fact that Mama loves the Mills Brothers. We've talked about them. She lights up when she hears their songs. Even more importantly, I realized, is that I can sing most of the songs on that CD. So instead of just sitting by her bed, holding her hand and staring at the wall, I was singing to my mother. On particularly uptempo songs, I saw her patting her legs. I swear I even saw her lips moving on one or two songs as if she was trying to sing along. (While she can talk when she wants to, her breathing is not strong enough to sing.)
My whole mood lifted. I was still sad that this is happening, but I finally felt like I'm doing all I can to mentally and emotionally support her. We had such perfect timing with that CD that it was precisely time for the meeting to begin when it finished. I told her that we were going to listen to the meeting. She perked up and said, "OK." I was sure to get out my song book and sing the kingdom songs for her, too. I told her that it was time for the opening prayer. I sneaked a peak to see what she was doing - she had her eyes closed. I was elated that she seemed to understand what was going on. But then she didn't reopen them when the prayer was over, so I think she began listening to the prayer and fell asleep during it. She woke back up, maybe during the Bible highlights. I saw her fighting to stay awake for the rest of the meeting. I don't know how much she got out of it, but she understood that she was listening to the meeting.
I left her house at close to 10:00 after seeing to a couple of her personal needs. I left her listening to Dean Martin's Greatest Hits. I told her to go to sleep while listening to it. She said that she would. I was pretty annoyed that Daddy wouldn't go to bed. He wanted to watch the rest of the baseball game and then he still had to take a shower after that. I don't like for Mama to be by herself for that long. She does occasionally call out for ice or water. It makes me ill to think that no one is there to hear her and fulfill that need.
Mama's brother, his wife and her sister came by to see her today. I think they were there for a couple of hours. They've been pretty good about coming to see her since she's been so sick. They live a couple of hours away. I really, really like this uncle the more I get to know him. He has been there for so many people in the family. My grandmother had two single brothers who suffered from palsy. One died when I was a child. The other, an invalid for at least all of my life, outlived my grandmother by quite a few years. My uncle looked after my grandmother's death. I think he's now also looking after another aunt whose own children have dropped her in a nursing home near him and refuse to visit regularly. He's a stand up guy. (But he only stands up to about 5'-5". I come from short people on both sides.)
One of my father's sisters and her husband are staying with Daddy for a few days. This sister is a little bit younger than Daddy, but her kids are about the same age as my older siblings. Her husband and my father have always been good friends - they love to watch college football together.
We've started talking about what personal things we want to be said in her memorial talk. There are so many things I want to be said, but I can't get my mind straight to list them out. If any of you have particular impressions of what my mother meant to you or what you think she meant to her friends & family, I'd appreciate hearing the sentiment.
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My father's oldest brother and his wife were also there. They brought dinner, a seafood dish with shrimp and crawfish that I never got around to eating. My uncle was just there 8 days earlier. He'd come to visit with my father's friends from college. My aunt had not been to see Mama since she'd been so sick. This aunt is a nurse, though most of her career was spent in academia teaching nursing and serving as an expert witness in trials. I suppose on some level, she's had practical experience, but I think it has been quite a long time.
As I mentioned in my last update, Mama stares off vacantly when she's not being actively engaged by someone in the room. Her vision is really bad, so she can't watch TV. It is really upsetting to see her lying in that bed so helpless and lifeless. While I was sitting at her side, holding her hand, my uncle came in the room. He reached out to touch her, he rubbed her arm a few times. He was only able to do that for a couple of minutes before he was overcome with emotion and had to leave the room. I was moved by how strong his reaction was. But unfortunately, death is no stranger to his family.
My aunt and uncle lost their 18 year old daughter 2 weeks before her high school graduation. It was one of the most tragic losses our family has suffered (only matched by the death of my uncle's 30-something wife who left behind three young boys). After the loss of his daughter, my uncle went into a deep depression that caused him to be a little "off" for a number of years. I believe he finally sought help through the use of anti-depressants and is now much closer to his old self. It's been 21 years.
Anyway, I started to think about other reasons why my uncle may be so emotional. Besides perhaps just having a more emotional core than the other men in my father's family, he has also known my mother basically as long as my father. This uncle went to college with my father, they pledged the same fraternity. They were close in college and I'm sure they were in the same social crowd. So when my parents' began dating, I'm sure this uncle was with them. He was there as they got to know each other. He probably had conversations with my father about his "new" girlfriend and how it was going. He watched their relationship grow. And now he's watching her die.
By the time my aunt and uncle left, I couldn't get Mama to respond to say goodbye. She simply didn't register that we were speaking to her. The best news of the evening was that my aunt acknowledged that we seemed to be doing everything we could to make her as comfortable as possible. She couldn't make a single recommendation of anything we could do differently or better.
Both The Doctor and my sister-in-law have told me a couple of things Mama has said that indicate that she really doesn't know who any of us are anymore. I already suspected that. Sometimes when I call her "Mama," she doesn't respond or realize that I'm talking to her. I have to touch her face and repeat my question to get her attention. Of course, I see her when she is at her most tired - after she's been awake all day and been poked, prodded, or bathed by various nurses. But even when she's not tired, she says things that make no sense. She told my SiL that The Doctor can read. Sometime yesterday, The Doctor asked her if she knew who she was. Mama said, "Yeah, you're my Mama." When any of us tell her that we love her, she is very quick to say, "I love you too." I know that she doesn't know who she's talking to. But it doesn't matter. She's got a big heart and she loves whoever is talking to her.
I decided on Monday evening that I really wanted to get some music CDs over to her house for her to listen to. Since she can't watch TV, I know listening to it isn't interesting. It was just too late when I left to get bring the CDs back on Monday night. I thought I may try to get them over there on Tuesday morning, but that would have made me too late for work. Instead, I called The Doctor and asked her to stop by my place to pick them up. She said that she would send Daddy over to get them some time during the day. When I called later that day to see if they'd gotten the CDs, she said that they hadn't and that she didn't think they would do any good. I was really annoyed but tried not to let her know it. It had become very important to me to get music over to Mama.
I stopped by my house to get the CDs before going to Mama's. The Doctor was still there for a little while. I immediately put in the greatest hits of The Mills Brothers. I don't think my sister had every heard of them. Daddy came in to say that this music was too old since it was from the 40s. While that is true, I know for a fact that Mama loves the Mills Brothers. We've talked about them. She lights up when she hears their songs. Even more importantly, I realized, is that I can sing most of the songs on that CD. So instead of just sitting by her bed, holding her hand and staring at the wall, I was singing to my mother. On particularly uptempo songs, I saw her patting her legs. I swear I even saw her lips moving on one or two songs as if she was trying to sing along. (While she can talk when she wants to, her breathing is not strong enough to sing.)
My whole mood lifted. I was still sad that this is happening, but I finally felt like I'm doing all I can to mentally and emotionally support her. We had such perfect timing with that CD that it was precisely time for the meeting to begin when it finished. I told her that we were going to listen to the meeting. She perked up and said, "OK." I was sure to get out my song book and sing the kingdom songs for her, too. I told her that it was time for the opening prayer. I sneaked a peak to see what she was doing - she had her eyes closed. I was elated that she seemed to understand what was going on. But then she didn't reopen them when the prayer was over, so I think she began listening to the prayer and fell asleep during it. She woke back up, maybe during the Bible highlights. I saw her fighting to stay awake for the rest of the meeting. I don't know how much she got out of it, but she understood that she was listening to the meeting.
I left her house at close to 10:00 after seeing to a couple of her personal needs. I left her listening to Dean Martin's Greatest Hits. I told her to go to sleep while listening to it. She said that she would. I was pretty annoyed that Daddy wouldn't go to bed. He wanted to watch the rest of the baseball game and then he still had to take a shower after that. I don't like for Mama to be by herself for that long. She does occasionally call out for ice or water. It makes me ill to think that no one is there to hear her and fulfill that need.
Mama's brother, his wife and her sister came by to see her today. I think they were there for a couple of hours. They've been pretty good about coming to see her since she's been so sick. They live a couple of hours away. I really, really like this uncle the more I get to know him. He has been there for so many people in the family. My grandmother had two single brothers who suffered from palsy. One died when I was a child. The other, an invalid for at least all of my life, outlived my grandmother by quite a few years. My uncle looked after my grandmother's death. I think he's now also looking after another aunt whose own children have dropped her in a nursing home near him and refuse to visit regularly. He's a stand up guy. (But he only stands up to about 5'-5". I come from short people on both sides.)
One of my father's sisters and her husband are staying with Daddy for a few days. This sister is a little bit younger than Daddy, but her kids are about the same age as my older siblings. Her husband and my father have always been good friends - they love to watch college football together.
We've started talking about what personal things we want to be said in her memorial talk. There are so many things I want to be said, but I can't get my mind straight to list them out. If any of you have particular impressions of what my mother meant to you or what you think she meant to her friends & family, I'd appreciate hearing the sentiment.
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