Real Friends, Imaginary Names
Over the course of this blog, I'll frequently talk about the people in my life: friends, family and coworkers. I have this thing about not revealing people's names unless they know they're being talked about. So I come up with fake names for them. Usually these names are descriptive enough that if you know the person, you immediately know who I'm talking about. But it at least provides some measure of privacy from those who don't know the person. This post will be edited many times over the course of my blog. Here are the names I've come up with:
Horse N. Buggy - This is my imaginary name. Even though my family doesn't think so, I really don't jump on the technology bandwagon very quickly. The first CD player I owned came with the PC I bought in 1995. Until that time, I was still listening to cassette tapes. I abhor digital cable - give me analog or give me death. You'll have to pry my VCRs out of my cold dead hands - no TiVo for me. And don't get me started on digital photography - I still shoot slides! Anyway, based on all this, a former coworker (Joe Samurai), nicknamed me horsenbuggy. I tried to get that for this blog name, but some creep took it and only published one post to it.
FAMILY MEMBERS:
I only have one mother, father, brother and sister-in-law, so they don't get imaginary names.
The Doctor - My sister has an unbelievable amount of medical knowledge in her brain. She's done all this research on stuff for her husband, Daddy and Mama.
He Bought Another Car - The Doctor's husband. We think he's owned around 1,000 cars in his life. He buys and sells them on a regular basis. They're always cool.
He Tells Jokes - Son of The Doctor. He loves to tell jokes and is pretty funny. Just don't ever try to shut him up - it's not happening.
The Polyglot - Son of my brother. Formerly known as My Nephew. I just moved into his congregation and he's probably moving out sometime soon. More on that later. He's about the only person who gets my taste in movies and music. No one else seems to know what I'm talking about. But since he's simultaneously learning about 15 languages, people rarely seem to know what he's talking about either.
Hugginest Boy - My brother's youngest son. That boy gives great hugs.
Super Mom - The sister closest to me in age. She has 4, count 'em 4, children.
Son of Rocket Scientist - Super Mom's husband. This name has a funny story. Super Mom was talking to my cousin's wife (She's an Other). Super Mom made a few mentions about how smart her husband is. She's an Other wanted to know exactly *how* smart he is, "What, is he a Rocket Scientist?" "No. His degree is in Nuclear Chemistry, but his dad is a Rocket Scientist."
My Heart - 1st born of Super Mom. Pure. Innocent. Sweet. Smart. The first of my nephews to be born when I was old enough to really comprehend parenthood.
Pink Princess - 2nd child of Super Mom. She's all girl with a tough little exterior. Her favorite colors are pink and purple. She has been known to beg her mom to buy a certain brand of yogurt simply because it's in a pink container.
My Namesake - 3rd child of Super Mom, elder of the twins. We're convinced that she is Mama all over again. She is a really good baby. She rarely cries. She can keep herself entertained. The only special attention she needs is to be rocked to sleep.
Little Liar - 4th child of Super Mom, younger of the twins. He wants to be held all the time. When he's at the meeting, being held, he comes across as the most adorable, most innocent, most precious thing. But when you get home and put him down...you realize the kid has a loud voice and a nearly inexhaustible supply of air. He cries until you pick him up and then he sits in your arms and looks at the world around him as if it is the most facinating place. The only odd thing is that he will go to sleep if you just put him in his crib with the love puppy. (Since he's been crawling, he only wants to be held 90% of his waking time.)
Infectious Laughter - Cousin. If you've ever heard her laugh, you need no explanation for this name.
Bling - Husband of Infectious Laughter. Dude loves his jewelry.
He Does No Wrong - Brother of Infectious Laughter. This name should make his wife laugh. She thinks it's hysterical how everyone in the family puts him on a pedestal. But he is a cool guy.
She's an Other - Wife of He Does No Wrong. She was born in the States to Puerto Rican parents. She barely speaks Spanish, if at all. It had never entered my cousin's mind that she was not white. It didn't matter to him, it just hadn't crossed his mind. In one conversation, she mentioned something about not being white. He Does No Wrong: "What do you mean, you're not white?" "I'm not white, I'm Hispanic." "On those questions on tests in school when you had to fill in a bubble for what race you were - they had 'white', 'black,' and 'other' - what did you color in?" "Other." "Other?" "Other." Cracks me up every time I think about that story.
Drives the Short Bus - Oldest sister of Infectious Laughter and He Does No Wrong. She, uh, drives a short bus. Go figure. You should really hear some of her stories.
How Tall Is He? - Husband of Drives the Short Bus. Answer: 6'7". Yeah, that's tall.
Pace T - Son of Drives the Short Bus. Following the likes of The Beastie Boys, Vanilla Ice, House of Pain, Snow and Eminem, this boy adds a splash of suburban alabaster to the urban world of Hip Hop.
Let Me See You Do That - Aunt, youngest sister of my father and mother to Infectious Laughter, He Does No Wrong and Drives the Short Bus. This woman can literally do anything, except get rid of stuff. She made Short Bus' wedding dress, renovated the interior of her house, cooks like a pro, kicks butt on the tennis court, and the list goes on and on.
Papa Bear - Uncle, husband of Let Me See You Do That. Gentle, kind, wonderful man. But don't mess with his kids. I may also sometimes refer to him as Walking Bible Dictionary 'cause he's got a ton of Bible knowledge stored in that cranium of his.
King Argue-er - Cousin. Let me say that this is a big feat in our family to be dubbed the KING Argue-er. The truth is, we have aunts and uncles that could put him to shame. But amongst my generation, he is hailed as the KING. (King Argue-er has a wife, but I honestly don't know her well enough to give her a name. She's too sweet to ... never mind, a name just popped into my head.)
Pug Mama - Wife of King Argue-er. This girl is... Drop. Dead. Gorgeous. (Think Jessica Simpson, and yes, I do mean Jessica Simpson.) The only thing I can really tease her about is her insane devotion to her pets. She has two pugs that she absolutely adores. Not being an animal lover myself, I can't relate to this type of adoration. After the name Pug Mama has been firmly established, I may have to change it to P. Mimmy. I wouldn't want the name to get stale.
Spitting Image - Cousin, older brother of King Argue-er. Have I mentioned yet that my father is the 5th of 11 kids? Or that his father was the oldest of 7? So, yeah, there's lots of us out there. There is also a remarkable family resemblance amongst my father's generation, including many of his cousins. Well, this particular cousin of mine looks so much like my father's generation that he could just be the 12th brother, minus the age difference. (Spitting Image also has a wife. I'll have to think about her name for a little longer. Not much to make fun of with her.)
Talks With Phone at Ear - Aunt, sister of my father. Again, if you've ever met her, you need no explanation for this name. Wonderfully generous and hospitable lady.
Dannit - Uncle, husband of Talks With Phone at Ear. Adorable man who can't bring himself to cuss, so he says "Dannit" instead.
My Biggest Fan - Cousin, older daughter of Talks With Phone at Ear. She is very enthusiastic about my photography (and life in general). She has something like 7 of my photos hanging in her mansion. (Gotta think about a name for her husband. I certainly know him well enough, but nothing witty is jumping out at me right now.)
What Am I Thinking? - Cousin...removed by some silly factor, oldest son of My Biggest Fan. I used to call him My Favorite Cousin. Now that he's talking about moving in with me, he's got this new name. You see, I ah-dore him, but he is ultra-high energy. Me...not so much. I guess that's why doors close.
Mack Truck Daddy - Cousin...also removed, middle child of My Biggest Fan. I don't know what "Dumps like a truck" means exactly, but he's got 'em. Dude is BIG, adorable and never stops flirting with the ladies.
Pre-co-cious - Cousin...removed, youngest daughter of My Biggest Fan. She came along after her two older brothers were almost out of their teens. She is the funniest child to come into this family since I was born...and that's saying something.
Bobsey Twin #2 - Cousin, younger daughter of Talks With Phone at Ear. She and my sister, The Doctor, are virtually inseparable ... and they live 5 hours away from each other. At one point, they lived together. They look alike, are the same height and her husband used to always point out that when they talk to each other, their heads bob up and down. You can tell how intense the conversation is by how quickly their heads are bobbing.
... this family list could go on forever.
COWORKERS:
Job - He's earned this name for being so patient with me. I'd die if I had to deal with me as a homeowner. Nice guy.
Super Fabulous Builder Man - He got a company award - Builder of the Year - for all Atlanta. This entitles him to a whole year's worth of being called "Super Fabulous Builder Man" in the most sarcastic of voices. (Not that he didn't deserve it, he did build me a fine house.)
Joe Samurai - Former coworker. He sat next to me for about three years. We got to be really good friends in that time. I have rarely met someone outside my family with whom I so completely share my sense of humor. Oh, and yes, Samurai is his middle name, no matter how much he claims that it isn't. You may also see me refer to him as Grasshopper.
And I'm going to finish this list eventually.
Horse N. Buggy - This is my imaginary name. Even though my family doesn't think so, I really don't jump on the technology bandwagon very quickly. The first CD player I owned came with the PC I bought in 1995. Until that time, I was still listening to cassette tapes. I abhor digital cable - give me analog or give me death. You'll have to pry my VCRs out of my cold dead hands - no TiVo for me. And don't get me started on digital photography - I still shoot slides! Anyway, based on all this, a former coworker (Joe Samurai), nicknamed me horsenbuggy. I tried to get that for this blog name, but some creep took it and only published one post to it.
FAMILY MEMBERS:
I only have one mother, father, brother and sister-in-law, so they don't get imaginary names.
The Doctor - My sister has an unbelievable amount of medical knowledge in her brain. She's done all this research on stuff for her husband, Daddy and Mama.
He Bought Another Car - The Doctor's husband. We think he's owned around 1,000 cars in his life. He buys and sells them on a regular basis. They're always cool.
He Tells Jokes - Son of The Doctor. He loves to tell jokes and is pretty funny. Just don't ever try to shut him up - it's not happening.
The Polyglot - Son of my brother. Formerly known as My Nephew. I just moved into his congregation and he's probably moving out sometime soon. More on that later. He's about the only person who gets my taste in movies and music. No one else seems to know what I'm talking about. But since he's simultaneously learning about 15 languages, people rarely seem to know what he's talking about either.
Hugginest Boy - My brother's youngest son. That boy gives great hugs.
Super Mom - The sister closest to me in age. She has 4, count 'em 4, children.
Son of Rocket Scientist - Super Mom's husband. This name has a funny story. Super Mom was talking to my cousin's wife (She's an Other). Super Mom made a few mentions about how smart her husband is. She's an Other wanted to know exactly *how* smart he is, "What, is he a Rocket Scientist?" "No. His degree is in Nuclear Chemistry, but his dad is a Rocket Scientist."
My Heart - 1st born of Super Mom. Pure. Innocent. Sweet. Smart. The first of my nephews to be born when I was old enough to really comprehend parenthood.
Pink Princess - 2nd child of Super Mom. She's all girl with a tough little exterior. Her favorite colors are pink and purple. She has been known to beg her mom to buy a certain brand of yogurt simply because it's in a pink container.
My Namesake - 3rd child of Super Mom, elder of the twins. We're convinced that she is Mama all over again. She is a really good baby. She rarely cries. She can keep herself entertained. The only special attention she needs is to be rocked to sleep.
Little Liar - 4th child of Super Mom, younger of the twins. He wants to be held all the time. When he's at the meeting, being held, he comes across as the most adorable, most innocent, most precious thing. But when you get home and put him down...you realize the kid has a loud voice and a nearly inexhaustible supply of air. He cries until you pick him up and then he sits in your arms and looks at the world around him as if it is the most facinating place. The only odd thing is that he will go to sleep if you just put him in his crib with the love puppy. (Since he's been crawling, he only wants to be held 90% of his waking time.)
Infectious Laughter - Cousin. If you've ever heard her laugh, you need no explanation for this name.
Bling - Husband of Infectious Laughter. Dude loves his jewelry.
He Does No Wrong - Brother of Infectious Laughter. This name should make his wife laugh. She thinks it's hysterical how everyone in the family puts him on a pedestal. But he is a cool guy.
She's an Other - Wife of He Does No Wrong. She was born in the States to Puerto Rican parents. She barely speaks Spanish, if at all. It had never entered my cousin's mind that she was not white. It didn't matter to him, it just hadn't crossed his mind. In one conversation, she mentioned something about not being white. He Does No Wrong: "What do you mean, you're not white?" "I'm not white, I'm Hispanic." "On those questions on tests in school when you had to fill in a bubble for what race you were - they had 'white', 'black,' and 'other' - what did you color in?" "Other." "Other?" "Other." Cracks me up every time I think about that story.
Drives the Short Bus - Oldest sister of Infectious Laughter and He Does No Wrong. She, uh, drives a short bus. Go figure. You should really hear some of her stories.
How Tall Is He? - Husband of Drives the Short Bus. Answer: 6'7". Yeah, that's tall.
Pace T - Son of Drives the Short Bus. Following the likes of The Beastie Boys, Vanilla Ice, House of Pain, Snow and Eminem, this boy adds a splash of suburban alabaster to the urban world of Hip Hop.
Let Me See You Do That - Aunt, youngest sister of my father and mother to Infectious Laughter, He Does No Wrong and Drives the Short Bus. This woman can literally do anything, except get rid of stuff. She made Short Bus' wedding dress, renovated the interior of her house, cooks like a pro, kicks butt on the tennis court, and the list goes on and on.
Papa Bear - Uncle, husband of Let Me See You Do That. Gentle, kind, wonderful man. But don't mess with his kids. I may also sometimes refer to him as Walking Bible Dictionary 'cause he's got a ton of Bible knowledge stored in that cranium of his.
King Argue-er - Cousin. Let me say that this is a big feat in our family to be dubbed the KING Argue-er. The truth is, we have aunts and uncles that could put him to shame. But amongst my generation, he is hailed as the KING. (King Argue-er has a wife, but I honestly don't know her well enough to give her a name. She's too sweet to ... never mind, a name just popped into my head.)
Pug Mama - Wife of King Argue-er. This girl is... Drop. Dead. Gorgeous. (Think Jessica Simpson, and yes, I do mean Jessica Simpson.) The only thing I can really tease her about is her insane devotion to her pets. She has two pugs that she absolutely adores. Not being an animal lover myself, I can't relate to this type of adoration. After the name Pug Mama has been firmly established, I may have to change it to P. Mimmy. I wouldn't want the name to get stale.
Spitting Image - Cousin, older brother of King Argue-er. Have I mentioned yet that my father is the 5th of 11 kids? Or that his father was the oldest of 7? So, yeah, there's lots of us out there. There is also a remarkable family resemblance amongst my father's generation, including many of his cousins. Well, this particular cousin of mine looks so much like my father's generation that he could just be the 12th brother, minus the age difference. (Spitting Image also has a wife. I'll have to think about her name for a little longer. Not much to make fun of with her.)
Talks With Phone at Ear - Aunt, sister of my father. Again, if you've ever met her, you need no explanation for this name. Wonderfully generous and hospitable lady.
Dannit - Uncle, husband of Talks With Phone at Ear. Adorable man who can't bring himself to cuss, so he says "Dannit" instead.
My Biggest Fan - Cousin, older daughter of Talks With Phone at Ear. She is very enthusiastic about my photography (and life in general). She has something like 7 of my photos hanging in her mansion. (Gotta think about a name for her husband. I certainly know him well enough, but nothing witty is jumping out at me right now.)
What Am I Thinking? - Cousin...removed by some silly factor, oldest son of My Biggest Fan. I used to call him My Favorite Cousin. Now that he's talking about moving in with me, he's got this new name. You see, I ah-dore him, but he is ultra-high energy. Me...not so much. I guess that's why doors close.
Mack Truck Daddy - Cousin...also removed, middle child of My Biggest Fan. I don't know what "Dumps like a truck" means exactly, but he's got 'em. Dude is BIG, adorable and never stops flirting with the ladies.
Pre-co-cious - Cousin...removed, youngest daughter of My Biggest Fan. She came along after her two older brothers were almost out of their teens. She is the funniest child to come into this family since I was born...and that's saying something.
Bobsey Twin #2 - Cousin, younger daughter of Talks With Phone at Ear. She and my sister, The Doctor, are virtually inseparable ... and they live 5 hours away from each other. At one point, they lived together. They look alike, are the same height and her husband used to always point out that when they talk to each other, their heads bob up and down. You can tell how intense the conversation is by how quickly their heads are bobbing.
... this family list could go on forever.
COWORKERS:
Job - He's earned this name for being so patient with me. I'd die if I had to deal with me as a homeowner. Nice guy.
Super Fabulous Builder Man - He got a company award - Builder of the Year - for all Atlanta. This entitles him to a whole year's worth of being called "Super Fabulous Builder Man" in the most sarcastic of voices. (Not that he didn't deserve it, he did build me a fine house.)
Joe Samurai - Former coworker. He sat next to me for about three years. We got to be really good friends in that time. I have rarely met someone outside my family with whom I so completely share my sense of humor. Oh, and yes, Samurai is his middle name, no matter how much he claims that it isn't. You may also see me refer to him as Grasshopper.
And I'm going to finish this list eventually.
3 Comments:
Okay, I should be working but I had to read your family list. Now my head hurts--thanks! I though I had a large family. BTW, my oldest niece is the equivalent to your oldest nephew as far as taste in music, etc., goes. It's pretty cool.
Anonymous? Do I know you?
oops! I'm your techno-dysfunctional friend. Also, I'm your "details, schmetails" friend. I forgot to type in my name.
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